Candy Explosives
by snappleducated
Summary: In which Black Star is asymmetrical and Kid suffers from massive internal bleeding.


**Entitled**: Candy Explosives  
**Fandom**: Soul Eater  
**Rating**: PG  
**Length**: 2000 words  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own Soul Eater.  
**Notes**: _It has been brought._

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Black Star had triumphed. As of course he would. Because! He was Black Star! His very name was synonymous with victory! In the heavens, the angels sang out in glory and exultation that such a wondrous man had been born! Surely, the chosen one had arrived—

"WHAT IS THAT ABOMINATION?!" Kidd screamed, and Black Star was forced to cut his lecture short. Several cornered Shibusen students could be seen running hurriedly away.

Black Star's face broke into a blinding smile, and he gave the young Shinigami a double thumbs up. "Behold! This masterful piece of artwork that stands here before you, is none other than the great, the magnificent, the godly BLACK STA—"

"We've been in the same class for the past three years," Liz pointed out grumpily, "We kind of get it."

Black Star puffed out his chest and snorted at his own error. Of course they would remember him! Why, they probably had posters of him in their bedrooms!

He preened.

"What is it what is that thing I don't like it—LIZ! PATTY!" Death the Kidd was jabbering somewhere in the background of Black Star's awesomeness. Patty was too busy entertaining herself with a potted plant to take much notice. Liz was trying to ignore the drooling maniac who had just attached himself to her leg.

"…What." She muttered, in a way that was clearly more resigned than questioning, and blew away some of the sparkles that Black Star was busily throwing everywhere.

"He has," Kidd whispered, in a voice that was cracked and withered from his deep, deep suffering, "_Only one earring_."

Liz subtly reached for the Windex, "Indeed, he does. It must be new."

"It's _hideous_," Kidd snarled, voice choked with emotion. His eyes were going slightly glazed, "That vile thing is throwing off the balance of universe! Our gravitational pull will be completely skewed and—and—_why is your hair not parted correctly_?!" He disentangled himself from her shin and began frantically throwing about her hair.

Liz squirted him with her Windex. "Stop that."

"Damn toaster! Go to hell!" Patty squealed, and started shooting the potted plant to smithereens.

Black Star chuckled, watching the lower mortals scurry about, obviously unsure of how to behave in the face of such coolness. He strutted up and down the hall, voice as obnoxiously bright as his hair. "Oh, foolish Kidd! Someday, you shall be worthy of such adornment! Until then, I shall allow you to bask in my radiance—learn well, and someday, you might be almost as big as me!"

Kidd's shot missed his left ear by millimeters. "I'll just make another hole," Kidd hissed demonically. His eyes were alight with madness, "Yes. Yes, all shall be restored!"

He rather dramatically began charging up for executioner mode.

"Your socks don't match," Black Star helpfully pointed out.

Their duel was cut short as Death the Kidd collapsed from massive internal bleeding.

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In Maka, Kidd found solace. Maka, with her perfectly cleaned room and her straight clothes and pigtails. Kidd crossed his legs and busily began grooming her hair into perfectly divided plaits.

"That is so gay," Soul muttered, when he glimpsed them. Kidd sniffed disdainfully, considering himself above such trivial matters.

After all, he had _two_ female partners.

"And—and—he's always had his belt crooked but this!" he tugged emphatically on her hair, and Maka yelped, just slightly.

"Why don't you just—" she hissed, squirming away from him, "I don't know, not look at him, or something?"

"I can't!" Kidd exclaimed, amazed that Maka, who he'd always assumed to be fairly intelligent, was so slow to grasp this concept, "My eyes are just—just _drawn_ to him."

Soul could be heard snorting in the kitchen. "Oh, shut up!" Kidd wailed, and Maka hid a smile behind pensively stroking her chin.

"Maybe you could try talking to Tsubaki?" she offered, with a little shrug. Really, what was she supposed to do about Black Star's teenage mid-life crisis. Also, her scalp kind of hurt. Kidd seemed to mull this over, snapping the final rubber band into place. Maka winced, feeling a bit as though her skin was being stretched towards those evil hair ties.

He stood, and graciously thanked both of them for their time, before striding from their apartment. He adjusted three picture frames on his way out, and was just about to open the door, when yet another imperfection caught his eye.

"Maka—your breasts are uneven."

She looked down, with some surprise. Before his eyes, a broad smile broke out across her face. "Hah!" she ran to the kitchen, yelling, "I told you! I told you they'd grow!"

There came the sound of someone spraying their food everywhere, and then Soul coughing furiously. "No way!"

"They _are_!" Maka's voice sounded distinctly smug, "Even Kidd noticed!"

There was a long pause, and then Soul spoke again, "Why's the leftie so far ahead?"

"It happens to some girls. They even out later," Maka explained. Neither of them seemed particularly phased by where the conversation was going. Kidd wondered if perhaps they'd discussed this before.

"You're like—deformed." Soul snickered, and then there was the unmistakable smack of a Maka-Chop.

Kidd left, reflecting that all of his friends were total weirdos.

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Tsubaki cracked an eye open, quietly wishing that whoever was banging on the door at three in the morning would just go away. Slowly, she dragged herself to her feet and lurched through the dark, staggering over the furniture and slumping against the door frame.

On the other side, Death the Kidd looked expectant. "Great. You might want to fix your hair—"

Tsubaki shut the door and massaged her temples.

After making considerable mental preparations, she dared to open it again. Kidd resumed speaking almost instantly. "I need you to put a hole in Black Star's head."

Tsubaki vaguely suspected that it wouldn't make much of a difference. She rubbed her eyes blearily, "I'm sorry, but could this maybe wait until the morning?"

"Oh, no," Liz snarled from behind Kidd. She shoved their way into the apartment, a slightly drunk Patty twirling behind them.

"Behold the fairy queen!" Patty screeched, and Tsubaki smiled politely whilst hiding anything delicate or otherwise potentially breakable underneath the sink.

Liz slouched down at the kitchen table, looking haggard. Her hair was a mess, cowboy hat hanging sadly from one ear. She seemed to be of the opinion that if she had to be awake this early in the morning, so did everyone else.

"Disgusting," Kidd hissed glaring at the glossy, full color pictures Black Star had tacked to every flat surface of their apartment. The main subject of these pictures was, unsurprisingly, Black Star himself. Kidd sneered.

"Where is he?" Liz growled, her eyes staring in opposite directions, "Where is that damn miester?!"

"Uh," Tsubaki glanced worriedly towards Patty as the younger girl started mauling the sofa, but couldn't find it in herself to protest, "He's sleeping."

"HAH!" Black Star suddenly burst through the ceiling, showering them all with debris, "Or so you think! _Little do you know_, that Black Star is actually wide awake! Lurking in the shadows, completely unnoticed by all!"

He did some kind of hip-shake disco move. Tsubaki reflected that she really should be getting paid for this. Black Star turned towards her conspiratorially, throwing her a broad wink, "Aren't they pitiable, Tsubaki? Unblessed with my divine presence, forever searching for my guidance! And yet, I allude them, for none can find a ninja when he chooses to hide!"

"You're carrying around a strobe light," Liz pointed out. Kidd was too busy frothing at the mouth to comment.

Black Star blinked. "Oh. Well, so I am! Hah! I am too _big_ to notice such tiny lights! My own glow far outshines this paltry thing!" and he sent it crashing to the floor. Tsubaki buried her head in her arms and hoped to God they'd be getting another paycheck soon.

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"And so if we were to separate her kneecaps from—" Dr. Stein paused, his eyes narrowing. Maka, his favorite theoretical dissection specimen, edged away. Soul was eyeing the two of them with something like suspicion. Stein _did_ seem to have something of a fondness for picking on Maka. He found it vaguely concerning.

Kidd was trying to shoot Black Star's left ear off as quietly as he could, and was being largely unsuccessful. Stein was beginning to look a little homicidal.

"What," he interrupted The Ultimate Showdown by casually throwing several scalpels at two of his least favorite students, "Are you two getting up too, hmm?" he eyeballed them, "Are you going to tell me, or will I have to cut your head open and find the answers for myself?"

"Technically, that isn't possible." Ox Ford cut in snidely. He was promptly glared into silence.

"He is completely hideous!" Kidd ranted, pointing angrily at Black Star's lone earring, "It's—it's—it's completely asymmetrical!"

Several of the students rolled their eyes and took the opportunity to catch up on their math homework. Others rolled out the popcorn. Tsubaki slunk low in her seat, and tried not to meet anyone's eyes. It seemed like she had been doing that a lot lately.

Stein went very still, and everyone with half a brain sprinted for cover. Unsuprisingly, this meant that Black Star and Death the Kidd stayed exactly where they were. Patty skipped past in the back ground shooting blow darts at butterflies and building sand castles. Soul just fell asleep. Maka quietly dragged him to safety.

"Tch, you're just too stupid to realize how awesome it is," Black Star snorted, and Kidd began to seethe.

"_You will be eliminated."_

The two lunged at one another, and Stein chose this moment to snatch them both from the air.

"If it's a needle you want in him," he drawled menacingly, and dragged Black Star up to face him. His grin turned positively manical, "I'd be _happy_ to oblige."

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"That is so uncool," Soul noted, inspecting Black Star's new earring, "Why don't you just get a set of pearls and we'll call you Maka?"

Both Maka and Black Star slugged him for that one. Kidd sighed contentedly, and couldn't quite quell the gloating smirk he sent Black Star.

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No one was particularly surprised when Black Star came to school the next day with half his hair dyed black.


End file.
